69 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley
by darkpothead
Summary: Title says it all. A series of one-shots on different ways to kill Ronald Weasley. I've seen these types of stories around before and figured I'd give it a go. Rated M for language, acts of violence, and probably sexual content in the future. Ron bashing, obviously, but it's all over the top and meant to be funny.
1. Quidditch Tryouts

_**69 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley**_

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Chapter 1: Quidditch Tryouts

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A/N: I apologize to anyone who likes my stories that I haven't updated them in a long time. Honestly I've just been really busy lately. I finally got all my certifications done and now I have a job, but I also have much less time to dedicate to much other than my friends, family, and work. But, I have been working on my other stories, I just don't have enough completed to start posting again. But, I figured I'd start off this story, which is just going to be a bunch of short one shots. I've seen other stories like this before and I figured I'd give it a try. They're short, so I can write them out quickly and still post something, plus they help me keep ideas flowing and I think it'll make it easier for me to write my other stories, since I won't be out of practice during the times I have between writing sessions. Anyway, I hope people enjoy these short stories.

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"Whatdya mean I can't try out for Seeker?"

"What I mean is I'm the Captain, and I'm the Seeker, therefore we're not holding Seeker tryouts."

"Oh come on Harry, you know I'm just as good as you! You're just scared I'll beat you, you effin' pansy!"

Harry sighed. _The stupid fucker doesn't even curse, but still thinks he's the shit for saying "effin'". Whatever. Fucking cuntbag._

"Fine, Ron, I'll let you go up against me. You only get one shot, though. I'll even ride one of the school brooms so you can't accuse me of cheating when you get pissy when you lose."

"You're on!" Ron shouted back.

The results of said contest surprised nobody. Harry beat Ron by spotting the Snitch and grabbing it within fifteen seconds of starting.

"Well, looks like that's that. Look Ron, you're a decent Keeper. You did great last year. Why not retry for that position?"

"But being Keeper is lame. I know I can be better than that. I'll try out for one of the Beaters. That's a cool position."

" _Sigh._ Fine Ron. But I can't keep trying you out for different positions. If you suck at being a Beater you're going to have to wait til the end of tryouts to finish yours."

"Fine. But I know I'll be a bloody good Beater."

While Harry was setting up Ron with a broom and bat, no one noticed Dobby the House Elf hiding behind the ball crate.

"Wheezy is a danger to Mister Harry Potter. Wheezy must be stopped before Harry Potter gets hurt!"

Dobby then snapped his fingers twice, the first causing the box to glow blue for a moment, the second causing him to disappear.

"Alright then. Get up in the air and I'll release a Bludger. Let's see how you handle it." Harry opened the case and two Bludgers shot out, heading straight for Ron.

"Shit!" Harry shouted.

Ron wasn't paying much attention to what Harry was doing. He thought his natural strength and reflexes would be more than a match against one tiny Bludger. He realized how wrong he was when the first Bludger hit him with a sickening _crunch_ to his humerus, which was shattered. The next one hit him on his forearm, breaking his wrist. The next strike was too his knees. Having lost the ability to grip his broom, he fell down three stories to the ground below. The Bludgers pelted on him from above. Ribs cracked, his pelvis was crushed. Tibia, fibula, radius, and ulna, all broke. His clavicle and femurs were next to go. His breast bone broke next, then, before his heart stopped, the Bludgers rained down on his head, turning it into nothing but pulp. Finally, the bludgers slammed down into his torso and exploded, forcing various body parts to go flying.

"Well, Ron. Looks like you just weren't cut out to be a Beater after all. Next!"


	2. Choking Hazards

_**69 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley**_

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Chapter 2: Choking Hazards

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A/N: Tiggrain was wondering if I was going to do a choking chapter. Here you go, man. I got off work early yesterday and wrote it out. If anyone else has a suggesting feel free to leave it, I'll see if I can write something based on it. Enjoy!

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It was the Start of Term Feast at Hogwarts, and all the little Gryffindors were fed up with one of their members. Who, you might ask? Ronald Bilius Weasley. It was the start of Harry's 3rd year, and although the past two years he was too shy and self-conscious to tell Ron to say it, not spray it, he had gained a lot of self-confidence since then. Since arriving at Hogwarts, he had faced Voldemort twice, killed a Basilisk, and was the school's outcast twice. But, most of all, Hermione had kissed him when she was revived last year. He was there, waiting for her, and she was so happy he survived down in the Chamber that she kissed him, before blushing and realizing they weren't alone. Before the school year was completely over, they decided to become a couple. These confidence boosters, along with the additional annoyance of Dementors, Sirius Black, and the Dursleys this year, Harry was ready to tell Ron where to shove his food.

"Oi, Ron. Bloody hell, mate, you're making a mess. Slow down and enjoy your food. And eat with your damn mouth closed."

"About fucking time someone said it," commented Hermione.

"Wha' was tha'?" Asked Ron, pelting Harry's face with bits of meat and potatoes. Harry wiped the food off himself and tried again.

"I said, stop eating like a pig. You're making a mess and getting food over everyone."

"Yeah, it's really disgusting, Ron," Seamus added in.

Ron just stared at Harry with a blank look on his face. "What are you lot talking about? I'm not making any mess."

There was a meter long radius surrounding Ron full of food scraps that he tossed to the side. Everyone within earshot stopped eating and was watching the conversation.

"Ron, look around. You have food all around you, you literally just sprayed food all over my face, and you're eating so much so quickly you're going to choke yourself."

At this, Ron laughed. "Please, I eat like this all the time," he said as he began shoveling food back into his mouth. "Besides, tha' only one choking aroun' here is Hermione when she chokes on a dick."

"What. Did. You. Just. Say?" Harry demanded. At this point, half of the Great Hall was silent and listening in on their conversation.

"I said, Hermione chokes on dicks. Cuz she's a whore. She was totally with me since First Year, then last year she just started jumping your bones and doesn't even tell me about it."

Hermione was now in tears, and was just about to get up and run out of the Great Hall when Harry grabbed her and held her close to him. "Alright, Ron, let's get two things straight. First off, Hermione was never with you, you delusional cuntbag. Secondly, if you talk shit on her again I'll personally show you what a choking hazard food can be."

"Yeah I was. After I saved her life from that troll. She was all into me. And now she's nothing but a slut for you!"

"Alright, that's it!" Harry lunged across the table and grabbed Ron by the throat. Ron was grabbing at his hands, trying to get him off, but Hermione struck him with a Petrificus Totalis. Ron froze as his arms and legs became invisibly bound at his sides. Harry reached onto Ron's plate and grabbed a large piece of steak, then opened Ron's mouth and shoved it in, all the way down to his trachea. Harry motioned for Hermione to release the spell, which resulted in Ron thrashing around on the floor, making loud gagging sounds. He began turning blue, and slowly became less and less mobile. Just before the lights left his eyes, Harry smashed Ron's nose with his boots.

"Oh, Harry, thank you..." Hermione said as she pressed her lips to his. Harry smiled and kissed her back lovingly.

"Anytime, love."

They heard the sound of someone tapping their glass, and turned around to see the Headmaster standing up, looking in their direction.

"Shit," Harry muttered under his breath.

"Mister Potter. I am absolutely disgusted by what I have just seen. One hundred points... to Gryffindor, for making the dining area more habitable for your house-mates and for defending young Miss Granger here. Filch, please remove Mister Weasley's body from the premises and alert his parents."

All four House Tables erupted in cheers, even then Slytherins, who felt Ron Weasley's death was easily worth the 100 point lead Gryffindor now had.


	3. Happy Easter!

_**69 Ways to Kill Ron Weasley**_

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 **Chapter 3: Happy Easter**

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A/N: It's been a while, I've been really busy with work and other things, and I've been dedicating most of my writing time to working on a new story. I know I haven't finished the other two I started, however the one I'm currently writing has been one I wanted to write since I first decided to write fanfic, and I've put a lot more effort into planning it out than the other two I started, so I actually know where I'm going with the story. Anyway, decided to write this real quick because I haven't done anything with this story recently and it's a holiday, so why not?

A/N 2: WARNING: This chapter involves rape, and it's used for humor. Though some people might not consider what's in this scene as actual rape, I would, and I feel like many others would as well. If this offends you, I recommend not reading this chapter.

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 _Easter, 1995_

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all inside the 4th year boys' dormitory, opening Easter chocolates sent from Mrs. Weasley. Harry and Ron both received Dragon egg chocolates, while Hermione unwrapped a pitiful chicken egg. Even worse, Hermione's had so much wrapping paper around it, it looked like it was the same size as Harry's until she managed to get all the paper off.

"Erm, Ron?" Harry asked. "Your mum doesn't happen to read Rita Skeeter, does she?"

"Oh, yeah, all the time," replied Ron, his mouth full of chocolate. "She loves all that celebrity gossip type stuff."

Ron didn't appear bothered at all by his mother's clear and deliberate outcasting of Hermione simply based on false rumors, but Harry sat next to Hermione and offered her some of his chocolate.

"Fuckin' cunt," Harry murmured to Hermione.

"U fukin' w0t m8?" Ron said, choking a bit on his chocolate. "I'll fukin' fite ye, talkin' shite on me mum like that."

"Oh, shove you're damn chocolate up your arse," was Harry's intellectually stimulating reply.

"Oh, Harry, that's a wonderful idea!" exclaimed Hermione, always the lover of aforementioned intellectual conversation. She flicked her wand a few times, then Ronnie-boy's pants were on the ground, he was bent over, and his partially-eaten dragon egg was getting ready to thrust.

"Wait, what? Please, no!" he begged. But Harry and Hermione just laughed as the egg rammed itself up Ron's arsehole, all in one hard movement. Ron screamed for about ten seconds, then the egg came out of his mouth, stretching his mouth to the point where the sides of his lips were tearing and his jaw was cracking. He spat it onto the floor, blood and shit all over it, and collapsed to the ground, silent, a pool for blood draining out of his mouth.

"Huh," said Hermione. "I didn't think it'd be quite that… violent. I certainly didn't expect it to tear through his digestive system like that."

"Oh well. At least we can send this egg back to his mum to show her how much we appreciate the gift. You mind cleaning up the blood? I'll go dump his body in the lake for the Kraken to eat. The school needs to sacrifice someone to Him every month anyway, I'll let the Headmaster know it's taken care off."

"Alright, Harry. Thanks for letting me share your chocolate."


End file.
